Prince - Da Bourgeoisie | NEW VERSION WITH ADDED HORNS!
WE WERE FUCKING RETROGRADING!
Weird things happen. They tend to arrow my way, at this point it must be of some consequence of my careless wonder.
Come to a place where you cant remember, but you won’t forget the shapes of time. Well thats funny, cus I partially forgot everything including my flight over n’back. Retrograding is almost a bold move. Travel is a major red-flag (my sister got caught up in the LAX shooting whilst trying to surprise me.) Oh yah, I should mention that I was retrograding through my thirtieth birthday. Major (MAY-JOR) boo-hoo, boo-boo, bruised by security at the Bruise Sringsteen show escorted (but snuck back in.)
Still not weird enough. Okay fine. Thats cus I gave you kinda like a sneak preview; several highlights that you would never think to happen (in reality) but actually did.
Truth is we were all retrograding since the 18th, but Scorpios felt it the most cus it falls in our moon…(my moon, my ruler.) But, lets really fast forward to the 30th when my fellow skorpiana (lets call her #WonderWoman) and I decided avitazein El Lay, and flew to NYC, into Newark. (ps. Newark is a trap, the cabbys are 90+, ugh,)…. so Wonder and I were all checked, shot gunning it to terminal 3’s best place to be. The scenic terrace of Gladstones; where ordering Tequila shots and popcorn shrimp go hand and hand with watching planes zip off into thin air. Thats just up until ours did too, and we had trouble enough finding a place to put our carry on luggage anywhere. After all, we were those people- the last ones. The best part is that Wonder had the window seat and I had the isle, and naturally the Asian sitting between us would become our drinking partner…up until he quickly requested a seat change pre-take off. Couple more shots of tequila I decided that seat to seat chatting was the best idea, and it could of been had it not been an overnight flight (lights out.) But then Wonder got out Sindy’s present (a lip phone) and we pretended to talk as if on a hotline. Most people get annoyed by babies, even bratty kids. This flight was grateful when Wonder and I decided it was nappy time with some Ambien-Valiem cocktail.
You know when you wake up, and you just have no clue where you are. What happened, kinda like a haze but you just go with it. If your are still reading this then I suppose you know what I mean, generally. Wonder & I were hazed the f*ck out. I was in a cloud, and Wonder was a wonder. Last ones off the plane, shuffling towards the baggage claim, and I realize that I forgot my carry on. And I know this will sound weirder, but all I said was Wonder ‘Oh my Gosh, I forgot my carry on….’ and there he was a suited TSA man with it in his hand, and just as I responded yes, he shuffled off. WEIRD!
So yes, Wonder forgot Sindy’s Lips phone. Which was a major, and minor disaster. But essentially nothing Amazon couldn’t fix within 24hours. Even though a man named Nick got involved and it through off Sindy.
Halloween, YES! MAY-JOR hit. Its my holiday. I love dress up all the time, give me a special day, and of course it gives a bit of that pizz-azz to it. So I went with the ZigZag man. Okay you’re wondering who is that? If you don’t smoke pot then maybe you wouldn’t know, if you do then open your EYES! Curiously enough, I felt oh so sexy in a beard, dressed like a man. I felt even sexier kissing a man as a man. It was very Kim Bassinger of me, but all the while I was retrograding…Being my man was major tricking while getting the treating. Naturally, Wonder was Wonder Woman, and Sindy was Betty Boop. I took the ladies out on the town, showed them a good time, but strap in cus from here on the retrograde scale has a barometer that slopes like K2.
For detail safety we must skip or fast forward until 4ish of November 1st. I just squirt hot sauce all over my beige jacket whilst eating a falafel at Mamouns (no longer the McDougal Legends), and start on my annoyed walk while Sindys texting, and looking up at me asking me if I knew a particular email. (HMMM, DEVO.) I knew that Devo is really here in NYC to surprise me. And just as my thoughts begin to even adjust to this thought he is right behind. But I am not surprised, I casually hug him almost as if well I just figured it out… ‘and shit you idiot act surprised’ but Im full on retrograding. The truth is, Devo played his violin so beautifully that I believed his broke brigade discussions with me, even when he called me from Barneys (almost everyday.) And now he his here, naturally I should be surprised, but that email question literally two minutes earlier lost my moment.
So that was November 1st, November 2nd looks far more fuchsia, if you will. At 6am I woke up on Bobby’s couch in the W. Village. What! Where is Wonder, Devo,…anyways I just ran out and caught a cab up town to Sindy’s. One thing super important, I need a bed. And I slept in it til’ 2pm.
Sindy, Wonder & I toasted to the last traces of my 20’s and hour later. Sindy reassured me that I, if anyone did them. Moments in your life just like the one Im trying to write about, you will never forget. The taste, the emotion, nor the smell. Actually the smell of Barneys is easy. And I was toasting with Kir Royale, but maybe its the bitterness that my soul tries to sponge dry, and my heart belts back out with pain.
Besides champagne and couple of tears, I needed to begin to fix up look sharp. No missing the mark on tonight. I still wanna have the baby girl charm, but lets face it. Calling a thirty year old baby girl doesnt feel so Lolita anymore. Fishing for an outfit. Should I of not thought of this earlier? I get it together, I get it late, but I’m totally feeling myself, and thats the best feeling. Leather, Lace, & Jean.
Apparently my birthday dinner reservation was 8:15, and the Knowles Sisters (Wonder, Sindy, I) ushered our way in at 9. Oh yeh, forgot to letchya know all the while I am just going with the flow and have no clue ‘where to, and whats up’ Its all very bizarre. I walk downstairs, and who do I see but Slutty Pumpkin. And I should have thought then, but again I was just going with it. Slutty tells me that since Kampus is late (typical) that we lost our reservation and the next table is at 11 or so.
Woooop. Woooop. How many drinks can you have by the bar in two hours exactly? Dunno don’t ask a temporary alcoholic. I was out of service. By the time our table was ready, I was doing the shimmy with a random (also natural), or trying to rip off the Bartender. But the dancing didn’t stop, everyone at the table, seated, and I, continued to danced I suppose for them, as well as for the restaurant.
I promise Sindy tried to feed me. I was beyond food. I was on fire. I was the Agave. But then, 12:04am hit, and so did my tears. Sobbing. The year of the Pig, not so lucky.
I’m sure it was inevitable. But I just never stopped crying so, I took my party elsewhere…(I wanna say i think) cus, really all I remember was Wonder, Sindy & I were like lets shake it. So we did out of there.
Somehow, Kampus found us. And I was in a corner, crying…still. Drunk crying is like finding out you overdrafted for your last drink last call. I would be sober crying. I was telling Sindy how I all I wanted was Pandy Bear while Wonder was re-applying my face.
Pandy, literally like a super hero (and at that moment she was a prayer book), jumps out of nowhere like a Jack n’ the Box and hugs me. Pandy, was almost as fuchsia as I. But for completely different reasons. She started off by wildly telling me how difficult it was to get to me. WHAT? Then, with the sharpness of one precious moment, she said exactly what she had. ‘I was caught up in the LA shooting, like literally less then couple feet away.., I was in Gladstones just the other day, this n’ that’ and then I was overwhelmed.
Not to be dramatic, but wow, a shooting, retrograde, Pandy at my request. I was overwhelmed. I wanted to be dancing; Bobby n Whitney time, Kampus all on the grind, Pandy courageously on the wings of maybe, and Devo was in top form lately. So whats going on with me?? I think the Knowles sisters relate…
The night ended for me only an hour or so later. I was on Sindy’s fire escape crying it up until 4am. Yeah, birthday girl fell asleep filled with tears and awoke the next afternoon with golfball eyes sealed shut.
This is my open letter to you. Maybe not too open, however open enough to have it air dried by the time you receive it.
Tuesday Morning was more alarming then simply waking up to my alarm. And, yes waking up has always been one of the most difficult parts of my day sounding off like a baby dinosaur as I try to recreate my warm nook, over and over again slapping the snooze button. But today was different. I woke up before the alarm. Reading my messages, I read @sindypanties informing me of Album 8s’ title- Britney Jean.
Lets get something very straight. You are Britney, I am Jean. Only the very few know what Jean means, and I am beginning to think you lost your Jeaniousness. This is inappropriate, completely. For you consideration, please keep my identity anonymous.
See most people see you as Britney Spears. And as the Pop Icon you are, this is what you represent. Your Jean side represents a whole different side, the side that I am, and how you wish to be truly understood; The Chaotic, fake British accent, pink wigged out Mercedes driving, funky outfits, goofy & silly, and completely nuts over nuts Jean. And I gotta admit, all that Jean is I am, all too well. So I took over your role, when it seemed like Jamie Spears took over the Britney Side of your life, I took over the Jean. Also, I get it-Adnan got in the way of things, it got messy in 2007 for me too. Nana took over my claim that very same year (but thats a whole other mess).
So, what I am basically saying, is that it never seemed like you publicly reclaimed your Jean status, so I maintained it up until this very morning. And now, I am mourning it. WHATS A GURL TO DO? All I can truly say is, that I did a damn good job. I wigged out, drove with cabbage patch babies in the drivers seat, applied to cosmetology school, made the switch to Starbucks, had several body guards for my body, danced with Molly never on, and started to purchase street art as well with only flowers on it. Atop that I really wish you saw my lingerie collection. It has your Jeanious written all over it. You can borrow anytime, anything from whips, to bras, except for my panties. Not quite sure thats kosher.
lets just go over this-
1. Baby One More Time- Avitazein
2. I Did It Again- So did I
3. Crossroads- So was I
4. Britney- Jean
5.In the Zone- Out of the Zone
6. My Prerogative- Scandalous
7. Chaotic- That’s what she said.
8. Blackout- Amnesia
9. Circus- Ring Leader
10. 3- Break Up, Make Up, Break Up
11. Femme Fatale- I was feeling myself too
So there is no question here, why do I love Miss Britney Spears. I get asked, poked, and eye rolled, but you love her too. You do!
Most importantly, I identify with BS, period. Without running over two decades of her accomplishments, matter of spirit she is hilarious. She’s just one of the girls. Not pretentious, never was, never will be, with sticky cheesey fingertips to flip you the bird.
And yes, this is where one would retort with, ‘so what, Madonna this, and Gaga that…’ This isn’t an either/or OR a both/and, this is Britney Jeanete Spears. If one actualizes Jean, then the package is understood. You don’t cringe at the pictures of her walking into the gas station bathroom bare foot, but you smile with adoration. You don’t call her life a Circus in 2008 after 2007, but applaud her for resilience , period. Most importantly if one really understood Jean, never ever comment on her wardrobe, she’s her own stylist; like I said she’s just another gurl girls! So when you see her hair extensions looking better then they did in 2010, it’s cus BS (Jean) intently wants to retire as a hairdresser. And sure I’ve got to address ‘the retirement factor’ with BS, cus who would make me feel corkier then her? And who’s videos would I try to mirror? And most importantly I ask this, who would I try to dress like; from horrible shades, to Birkenstocks, uggs, to sweats?? (I only like her day wear& lingerie, and occasional video outfits) ehh, I guess everything except for the bandaid dresses.
But most importantly, what makes Jean my alter and superstar, is she loves all things HOT. From her steamy affairs with her dancers, to bodyguards, Adnan,to my personal favorite K-Fed (for several reasons), she never looks back and says anything except for BuhBye. That a girl. She doesn’t sing a song about them, she doesn’t wait a month to bounce again, she just makes the biggest selling album of the year roughly every 3 to 4. Best of all, cash is not king to Jean. Nope, and retort again, but if you wanted to take a trip to her heart… The shuttle would have to be something out of an Austin Powers Sex Machine groove. This much I promise you, all BS wants is love and to be loved, really really well.
It’s the music you listen to, it’s the clothes you wear, it’s how you speak, it’s people. I think I’m beginning to resent people. The lack of sophistication, desire, or care. It repulses me. Is it me too? Generally people so fixed on crap, they become crap, and search for gold. The oxymoron of the morons, and I laugh.
The truth is, I am such a cynic that I’m drowning instead of saying ‘fuck em focus on yourself’, but I care and life has circuitry, and I wonder why the fabric of life isn’t quality? Every generation will continue to digress, from relationships, to building, to music, to even the produce we eat. We are stuck in this bubble, rather a cloud, and it’s game over. Try to prove any teen different.
Even I went through half of my likes on Soundcloud, and thought, ‘really, you liked this..? Where’s the art, artist,..?’ But it’s how infiltrated I’ve become. Static vs. noise, and in the end, collectively the masses make it appear louder. Because for whatever reason, quality is something that was never understood, or taught. The fabric of life, is IKEA, sold cheap, turned quick, but it looks great.
It’s like that Seinfeld “sponge” episode where Kramer gets attacked for not wearing the red ribbon. So symbolic of our hysterical culture; even more so today! As if the ribbon would get rid of AIDS.!!
I just wanna say, I completely utterly OBJECT (your honor). And since my face reads like an emoji, just imagine the disgusted one now.